As human beings we are built for connection. Dr. James Richards says, “The quality of our emotional life is found in the quality of our relationships. We are social, emotional, and relationship oriented beings. Having deep and meaningful relationships is one of the deepest needs we have as human beings.
One main problem in relationships is when we make assumptions about the motivation behind what another person is saying or doing. We determine within ourselves why a person behaved or said what they did. For example, if a husband comes home after a long day at work and seems unusually quiet, the wife may immediately jump to the conclusion that he is upset at her, and she may wonder what she did wrong. She might get anxious or get slightly defensive, which could again cause her husband to wonder what he did wrong. It is amazing how many fights start out this way – and it was all based on an illusion. When people assume to know why, their reactions are not based on reality! Remember, reality can be distorted by our perception. Our perception, in turn, is forged by many factors, and perhaps the most important one is our sense of worth. If we have a low sense of worth, we tend to interpret information or the way people respond to us in a negative way, and we feel victimized or offended. The negative assumption becomes the reality we experience, regardless of the intentions of other people.
When we jump to conclusions and make assumptions, we experience pain, rejection, or insulted. When we react out of this emotion, misunderstandings or even fights can happen.
The moment you attempt to determine why another is doing what they are doing, you have given it significance. This is where the pain starts. You decide that the person doesn’t care about you, that he or she doesn’t think you are important to them.
How can you avoid making negative assumptions? First of all, continue to work on your sense of worth. You have innate worth, because you are created in God’s image. Acknowledge all the good and strong parts of yourself. Get with this work, if needed. Secondly, in the situation, slow things down enough to ask questions instead of reacting out of assumptions you make. “Hello, sweetheart, you look tired today. Is everything OK?” would be a better way to start up instead of silently simmer over an alleged attitude your partner has. Thirdly, keep good boundaries in mind. While you certainly should encourage and support your spouse, it is not your responsibility to keep your spouse happy at all cost. Don’t “smother” them with lots of questions and worried looks. Try to deal with your own fears, attitudes or need to “fix.” Then, give them a hug, some space, or what seems appropriate, and tell them you are there if they need anything or want to talk. Unhook yourself from the responsibility to fix the other. Let the way you relate to the other person be about serving them instead of meeting your own need for constant assurance. That way you can help your spouse or others feel love and safe. And you will possibly have avoided a big fight.